"Monica Heisey makes me laugh hard and often."
— Rob Delaney

"Reading Heisey's irreverent and provocative debut book is like spending the evening with your smart and sassy BFF
— her words leap off the page like you're having a cozy night in chatting over a giant burrito or a greasy pizza (two of Heisey's greatest loves). . . the twentysomething writer is squarely targeting her book at fellow female millennials. But whether they are currently making their way through so-called new adulthood, or their memories of that time are hazy at best, women will hear echoes of themselves in Heisey's stories and laugh out loud with recognition."
— Quill & Quire

You're a strong, smart, independent woman. You work hard, you play hard, and this weekend you want to spend your precious leisure time as God HERSELF intended: eating spicy foods in bed. Obviously, "Should I eat in my bed or not" is as rhetorical a question as, "Should I starve to death in the comfiest place on earth," or "Should I just let Netflix keep on rolling now that it's already queued up the next eppy to play in three seconds." There are lots of reasons that a mature, capable young woman like yourself might want to eat in bed: sadness, sleepiness, laziness, a rude hangover, a very good new season of a TV show, bad weather, something someone said to you at the office that was way over the line, annoying roommates, mom burns. . . the list goes on. The real issue is not IF you should eat in bed, but HOW, and the answer is: carefully, and with the below tips in mind.

Because it's the freakin' weekend (™ Robert Sylvester Kelly, alleged sex offender) and you deserve this, the following guide is for you. Here's exactly how to eat in bed.

Linens'n'Things
Get your nice sheets on (clean ones, we are grownups here), and your good pajamas. Maybe a cozy old T-shirt and some sweatpants? The ones that your ex-thing left there that time and, come to think of it, if he left his pants what did he even go home wearing? I'm just brainstorming. Put on whatever feels comfiest and arrange your pillows just so. My personal fave move is the bed-couch, where you arrange a few pillows behind you and then two on either side like fluffy armrests. Get creative with your space; you're in it for the long haul. Remember pillow forts? Now's the time to innovate with a pillow-based bar and grill. If you're eating something dripping with sauce, 1) you are doing this exactly right and 2) maybe lay down a towel to catch any errant drips and save yourself sleeping in a stained bed. (We both know you're not doing that laundry.)

Use a Plate, You Filthy Animal
Crumbs—one of bed food's few unpleasant side effects—can be easily avoided by being a damn adult and using dishes. Dishes, in order of bed friendliness, are as follows: a giant Central Perk-style mug used as a bowl, an actual bowl, just the full pot you cooked the thing in, a box of cereal, a plate. Mostly you are looking to avoid crouton remnants or other hard, crust-based crumbs. The last thing you want to do is exfoliate your feet when you tuck them under the covers. Gross.

HomeScents
It's important to choose foods that are bed-friendly, in particular those that can sit at the side of your bed for a while without stinking up the room. A full jar of hummus is a no-no, for instance, because you are probably not going to eat a full jar of hummus in one go (unless you are my roommate Adam, who literally eats it with his hands, from the jar) (Hi Adam, thanks for supporting my work!). More important, the rest of the container will sit on the floor or bedside table stinking away until you have to break the rules and leave the bed to put it back in the fridge/crack a window. Consider instead a giant bowl of pasta with olive oil and garlic (a "Why Doesn't He Love Me Anymore" classic), breakfast cake ("getting fired means not going into work on a Monday, ha, ha"), or my favourite meal: any kind of cheese on any kind of bread.

Sheets Happen, Not Sh*ts
No info or tips here, just 500-thread count, Egyptian-cotton, hotel-quality puns. If there was a tip to be gleaned from this honestly fairly thin joke, it would be: leave your bed to go to the bathroom, don't pee or poo in your bed. Good tip! And an important sentence to preserve forever in print!

Make the Most of Your (Lying) Down Time
Watch a bunch of movies. In a row, if you want. Write some letters to old buddies or crack one of the pseudo-intellectual magazines you keep in a mounting pile next to your bed, just in case. I know all the sleep experts tell us to use the bedroom only for sleeping, but I feel like those people have never experienced the rush of tending to one's work correspondence while snuggled under a duvet. The sheer thrill of being so productive while wearing a onesie in a semi-reclined state is unlike anything else. In short, pick a hobby and do it in your bed while snacking to maximize your relax. Relaximize.

People will tell you you're being gross. People are haters. A Bed Buffet is God's greatest gift. Prepare your giant bowl of Froot Loops and put on the sweatpants you got for free at that thing and make like former French president, Nicolas So-cozy. Or controversial daytime television host, Cozy O'Donnell. Or important philosophical text, Plato's Symp-cozy-um. Bon Appetit.

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